Articles by: LoNeLy_sOuL
“Our worlds are different, you will never understand me and my life and I will never understand you and your life. We have nothing in common, we will never make it”. But you kept insisting you do understand. Ha…. You did not walk your talk. You used my same words to stop everything and took a part of me as you walked off. Fair enough…. I turned out to be the guinea pig for you. I am glad at least I was of some use to you. You discovered yourself through me, now you know better about your compatibility.
I knew it would be like that and I tried my best to save myself, which I failed miserably. How could I when people have the tendency to have feelings for the very foot-mat that they step on everyday at their homes. And you were a living being who made my days more beautiful with each passing moment. But I still have the happiness with me after all these years that (I guess 5 years) I was once a part of your life. I had a peep in your life and now I live with that little hint I got of your life to imagine how would have been living all these years that I have not seen you. And may be for the rest of our lives.
Irrespective of how things turned out ultimately, more than any sort of feelings I just have regret of not being able to make it up to you; there were so many things I wanted to do with you and for you. And all I have for you now is apologies for having thrown tantrums very often, nagged you, shouted at you…. Thinking of all these, I feel so bad and guilty. May be it is because of the same reason that I still see you as one of the most beautiful people I came across in my life. You endured all my messy deeds and always stood by me. You were the happiest when I did not shout at you for a day – aah… I still remember you saying this to me. but you also need to understand that I did those because I was aware and dreaded you leaving me; I was scared of losing you and wanted you to realize that I needed more than you planned to give me; I was actually begging for your commitment and sincerity.
At one point of time I held you responsible for all the pains that you caused me but all along I still prayed for your happiness. You touched my life so softly yet even today I feel the imprint that you left. A part of me still cries out that you faked everything and deceived me to the core. Sometimes it surprises me to think of how someone could lie looking into someone else’s eyes. But today, at this point of time, I give you the benefit of doubt that you must have meant at least ten percent of what you did and what you said. I look back onto those moments that we lived together with the thought that there must have been few moments that you were true and sincere. Let you be free of all your sins and let it be only happiness and success that crosses your path.
I m really tired after a day of hard work but I make an effort to change and freshen up. I get in my bedroom and sit on the bed just to realise that m sitting in the middle of the bed, right in the middle of the big room which is filled with emptiness and smells of loneliness. I can see the phone lying on my bedside table tempting me to dial the so familiar number – or call it my life saving number, without which I would be dead. I pick up the phone and my fingers automatically dial the number. At that very instant my heart cautions me of the pain that I have been carrying in my heart and the tears that I have cried. I know if I call up, I will definitely shed tears but hearing the voice at the other end would give me the feeling of coming home.
Now this has become my daily routine, a part of my life. With him, I had the happiest moments of my life and may be today m going through the worst times of my life for him (mark my words, m saying for him and not because of him). I know he is covered in guilt for what I am going through now but I have no complains and don’t blame him. Whatever happened, whatever he did, he didn’t do it with the intention of shattering my dreams and messing up my life. He did what he deemed to be right under those circumstances.
But the most painful part of my story is even if m given a second chance, I don’t think theres any way out for either of us to make things fall in the right places as our hearts always wanted cause theres the hand of destiny which has its own role to play; and we, as always, at its mercy. He was someone who never believed in fate but I remember him saying that he has started believing in fate after meeting me. It touched me when he once said that if he could ever change someone’s fate, that would definitely be mine.
Rationally speaking, I lost him and he lost me somewhere along the way, as he said once, but deep in our hearts we are still strongly bonded as we were once. May be that’s what’s called “True Love” cause true love never dies nor does it fade. I met lots of people in this journey of life who touched my heart but he touched my soul perhaps that’s the reason my soul calls out for him thousand and one times a day. And somewhere out there, I know, he can hear the cries of my soul as I can hear his soul whispering those soft sweet words to me.
Seven long months have gone by since that fateful moment that ceased my world. To say, I have moved forward this long a time but I can’t cheat myself, I may deceive the world but not myself. Deep inside, m still there where you left me in one way or the other. I know it wasn’t your choice to desert me in the middle of the most beautiful journey that we embarked on but the truth is truth, I can’t deny it. But the question is how do I face it, how do I take it, how do I live with it? – How do I face the truth that tore my world apart, how do I take the truth that snatched away my dreams, and above all, how do I live with the truth that took away a part of me and my life? – I’m devastated my dear, I’m just shattered.
I thought I will be fine with time, as people always say. But the fact is, even today after all this time, the pain is still fresh, the memories still haunt, and my life is as dead as never before. Sometimes when I think of the pain that I have been carrying in my heart, I wish I had never met you, but then my heart says I would have missed the best part of my life, the speciality of humanity to fall in love – to love and to be loved. I touch my heart and tell you, you are the best thing that ever happened to me and the most beautiful soul I have ever known to exist. I just wish one day I would wake up to find that all those bitter times that we have gone through was nothing other than a nightmare and would wake up to another beautiful day with you.
It was just a matter of letting the truth come to light and everything would have been different today. But then, may be, I would have never looked at you from the angle that would bind us together, so intimately. I know it takes a whole lot of courage to speak out the truth, especially when it’s bitter and awful. At times I feel you never trusted me or understood me. If you did, you would have confided in me, knowing that my love is unconditional. Perhaps that’s what hurts the most today, as I look back.
I don’t know whether I should say our bond stood the test of time or not. Despite the reality knocking down everything that we shared once, we still share something special today. You are still the one whose happiness and wellbeing matters to me than anyone else’s. I still think of you day and night, I still miss you, maybe, more than all the yesterdays. I still cry for you and my heart still yearns for you. I know, somewhere out there, you are also thinking of me and missing me. Whatever it is, no matter how closely we are bonded at heart, it’s just that you and I fear to acknowledge the shadows of your past looming over our present and future, threatening to burst on us any moment. A future together for us is doomed for every time we look back, our glances will meet those innocent gazes and I don’t want a joyous future by stepping over someone else’s share of happiness. I will happily take what’s mine but would never want another’s at any cost.
You and I know that it’s your past, and there’s no denying of the fact that it was and it is a part of you from which you can’t runaway. Regardless of how detached the truth is from you, the truth remains the same and yea, same goes for the place that you hold in my heart. All the while I have been calling you “MY DEAR”, now it looks like you were never mine, may be you were mine for those few illusionary moments that we shared. But, we will always love each other with all our hearts and live in each other’s memories, thoughts, prayers, and wishes for all the times and that’s what we were destined to be – too close yet so apart.
(This is my first attempt to put up an article in here so please bear with me if my article offended any reader in any ways).