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Make Someone's Day!

Articles by: jim99son

SWEET FRIEND…

24 Apr 2009 Author jim99son

A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert during some point of the Journey they had an Argument, and one friend Slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: “TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.”

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: “TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE.”

 

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, 'After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why? ‘The other friend replied when someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.'


”LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE!!!”

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
 
Take the time to live! Do not value the THINGS you have in your life. But value WHO you have in your life! Life's short… If you don't look around once in a while, you might miss it…

Height of foolishness…

24 Jun 2008 Author jim99son

A woman bathing in a transparent bathroom and DUMBO looking through the

Key hole… lol…..

Naughty Son….

24 Jun 2008 Author jim99son

A man tells his friends that his 5 year old son is naughty…….

 

Because he made our housemaid pregnant..! N Ask how?

 

Son of a bitch punctured all my condoms with pin…..

 

Old Man Talkin to his…..

24 Jun 2008 Author jim99son

A 75 year old man talking to his "THING"….. We were born together, grown up together, enjoyed life together, had lots of fun together, then why did you die before me???

Secretary N boss….

21 Jun 2008 Author jim99son

All the other women in the office are suing you for Sexual harassment…

Since you haven't sexually harassed me, m suing U for Discrimination……

CONDOM….

21 Jun 2008 Author jim99son

Nopkin :- I am tired of changing condom everyday…

 

Jim99son :- Why don't you get your “THING” laminated as you have done with UR Cell  phone…

NOPKIN in da TRAIN…

21 Jun 2008 Author jim99son

NOPKIN traveling in the train compartment with a girl (I wont say who da gurl is). He pulls out a "Plate" and starts playing it "Ding. Ding. Ding."

 

The girl gets annoyed "You stop that."

 

He stops. Then when the night comes the girl takes off her clothes, looks

at Nopkin and asks, "Do you want to do IT?"

 

NOPKIN says, "Yes".

 

"OK, Go ahead."

 

NOPKIN pulls out his plate and starts playing "Ding. Ding. Ding.".

Words Of Wisdom

28 Apr 2008 Author jim99son

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

 

22. Just remember — if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos….

BANG UR HEAD…..

28 Apr 2008 Author jim99son

Bang ur head on the wall if u dont know the answer.

1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
 

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water.

The tide rises at 12 inches every 15minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?

7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?

8. If I were in Bhutan and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and  size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?

Same question, but the location is in Indiaa ?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?

11. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

Scroll down for answers…..

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1. The word "incorrectly.”

2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Googly ;

 4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition.

So… half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.

6. Sloppy is a (gold) fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.

7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt.

8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again.

The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down…

9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.

10. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

11. The temperature.

URANUS

16 Apr 2008 Author jim99son

U wanna see planet URANUS….. without telescope?????

Ok den bend your waist 90 degres…..

den bend your knees 45 degres…..

hold a mirror between your leg……

NOW…. U can see "UR-ANUS"………………..

Can u see if can't contact coustemer care, 123….. lol……

LESSONS IN LIFE

18 Feb 2008 Author jim99son

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized; "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish. ”Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull."They're acked with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a  fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he as spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey off the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 

Kid Insults towards ‘Fat’ People

29 Jan 2008 Author jim99son

Your father is so fat he uses a VCR for a beeper.

You are so fat your first word was “Oink".

Your brother is so fat that when people ask him to play touch football, he's the field.

Your mother is so fat that you can parasail with her underwear.

Your sister is so fat that when she goes to the beach she's the only one that gets a sun tan.

Your aunt is so fat when she wore an orange dress bungee jumping; people thought the sun was falling.

Your uncle is so fat his car has a "wide load" sticker on it.

Your mother is so fat when God said, "Let there be light", and he asked her to move.

Your brother is so fat he jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Your sister is so fat when she walks backwards you hear "Beep, beep, beep.."

Your mother's so fat she irons her clothes on the driveway.

Your sister is so fat when she wears a yellow dress people shout, "Tax!”

Your baby sister is so fat she has to use a fork lift for a high chair.

Your mother is so fat she wears two watches, one for each time zone.

You're so fat you have your own zip code.

You're so fat you had to be baptized at Water World.

Your father is so fat when she sits around the house she really sits around the house.

FILL IT WITH WATER….

08 Jan 2008 Author jim99son

Three guys, (Sorri) Dumbo, Nopkin and Uncle Shyam are out walking together one day.

 

They came across a lantern and a Genie popped out of it."I will give each of you one wish. Thatz three wishes total," said the Genie.

Dumbo says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile."With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF',the land was forever made fertile for farming.

Nopkin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around mi bungalow, so that no one, neither Dumbo nor Uncle Shyam can come into mi precious home. "Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF', there was a huge wall all around Nopkin’s Bungalow.

Now, Uncle Shyam, being a former civil engineer, said "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explained, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out…… virtually impenetrable."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Uncle Shyam said….

"FILL IT WITH WATER…"

All about dying…

08 Jan 2008 Author jim99son

I think you might agree…

 

Three buddies ( Shyam, Dumbo & Nopkin) die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

Shyam says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

Dumbo says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

Nopkin replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

 

 

P.S: Sorry if offending 2 anyone…..

Stupidity Test

08 Jan 2008 Author jim99son

A guy’s sister takes a stupidity test…………..

 

A guy is on the computer looking at funny jokes and things.
As his sister walks by she notices an activity called "Stupidity test HERE!
She asks her brother to let her try it.
He agrees and tells her to go on.

As she gets ready to take it she asks, "What city do we live in?"
Her brother looks at her funny and says, "We have lived here 3 years and you don’t know what city you live in!!!
"Yeah pretty much", she replies.

Afterwards she kept asking him questions like
"What did U.S.A. stand for" when they lived there!!!

Finally she finished and both were waiting for the results.

I wonder what I got???
GOD DANG YOU’RE STUPID!!!!!

Suddenly
Ding!!!! The computer results said
RETARD
RETARD
RETARD
well says the brother I guess I was wrong……

How to See If Someone Is Patient…..

08 Jan 2008 Author jim99son

 

Test yourself to see if you are patient.

You need to slowly scroll down. Do not skip down. Look at every character. Have fun!

 

 

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Well, here it is:

what you've been waiting for

I

am

now

bestowing

upon

you

the

knowledge

that

you

have

gifted

me

with

laughter

HA Ha
HA HA hA hAHa

I suppose I should at least tell you a joke because I have utterly wasted ur time, nd u probably want to hurt me.

So, there were 3 men working on a tall building. One was Nopkin, one was Dumbo, and one was Shyam. They were all eating lunch. Nopkin had a Brumsha Mom, Dumbo had Phak-PA Sha, and Shyam had a Chicken (Gootham Ama Mom). They all said that if they had the same thing next day they would jump off the building. So the next day they were opening their lunch boxes and they saw that they had the same meal as the day before. So they all jumped off the building.

At the funeral, the Nopkin's wife said, "I would have packed something different if he had asked me to. The Dumbo's wife said the same thing. Then the Shyam's wife said, "He packed his own lunch."

 

(Sorri 4 usin ur name……Nopkin, Dumbo & Shyam…..)

Top Reasons to go to Work Naked…

08 Jan 2008 Author jim99son

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

Five Kinds of People… Which kind are you??????

08 Jan 2008 Author jim99son

Cows:
These kinds of people are really peaceful. They don’t hurt anyone. They eat, drink, marry and have children. They are not interested in what is going on around them because they don’t care. As long as their basic instincts are met, they are satisfied.

Lions:
A lion kills when he is hungry. So these kinds of people don’t hesitate to hurt others in order to get what they want.

Wolves:
A wolf kills even if he is not hungry. He kills the whole herd and eats them for a long time to come. This kind of people of people hurt others even if they don't need to. They hurt for the future. ‘‘If this is not useful now maybe it will be in the future.''

Snakes:
Theses kind of people, like snakes, cause harm to others for the mere pleasure of it.

Humans:
These kinds of people are not just satisfied by having their own needs. They want others also to have what they have. They are good and like to spread goodness around them. They seek happiness in making others happy.

Which kind are you??????

Women Sayings and Quotes….

08 Jan 2008 Author jim99son

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

I like my whisky old and my women young.

Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.

Most women are not as young as they are painted.

What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.

From 40 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 15 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 40 feet away.

I love women. They’re the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that’s fine.

Women: Can’t live with them, can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.

To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.

No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn’t she behave like a nice man ?

Despite my thirty years of research into the woman soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends’.

The man’s desire is for the woman; but the woman’s desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man

What is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing.

A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.

Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.

Women are an alien race set down among us.

Women… can’t live with ‘em… can’t shoot ‘em.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good? Luckily, this is not difficult.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

The great and almost only comfort about being a woman is that one can always pretend to be more stupid than one is and no one is surprised.

Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It’s the good girls men should be warned against.

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilt and I’ll show you a man.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

When women kiss it always reminds me of prize fighter shaking hands.

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she’ll tell anything…..

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