Articles by: Jerry
With the blanket tightly wrapped around, he looks more of a patient than a student preparing for the exam. A sleepy look and a dull expression tell me that he is long gone into the dream world but his ears never seems to lose it grip from its alertness especially when he is studying for it warns him of any footsteps approaching his room, while his hands would flip the pages of the book every few minutes sending the message that he is into serious study when he is actually not.
It isn't a surprise, if he doesn't even know what topic he's pretending to study. Needless to say, the result of unit tests are all average but what bothers me more is his contentment of the marks, comparing with those who scored single or less marks than him and of all his relax attitude and the way he takes everything lightly.
It's high time that a person at his age should feel the pinch of real life but I don't see any sign as of now. It's as if a job is waiting for him somewhere, as if our parents are going to stay young forever, as if his siblings will cater to his needs and wishes throughout his life, as if he won't have his own family and as if the world is going to be the same ever.
I am not complaining, I am just worried for my brother who seems least bothered. I want to shake him and wake him up to show the reality but if only I know how to. It's not that I haven't tried, I tried encouraging him, placing attractive prizes, promising whatever he demands (provided he keep up to the mark), scolding, monitoring every few minutes (which is not possible given the workload from the office and social obligations) but nothing seems to work. Now with the exam just around the corner, I am more worried and stressed out than him. I am just hoping for some miracle to happen.
It was a perfect day, the clear sky with bright sun and a gentle breeze hovering around and rustling the leaves. With a smile and a song on her lips she welcomed the day but her aunt's visit clouded the whole atmosphere. Her mere presence bought back everything in a flash…everything she had been trying to bury all these years. With a fidget smile she went out of the house with some barely audible excuses.
Once outside, she walked on without any destination in particular and a few minute later, she realized to her own amusement that she had been taking a familiar road. She strolled along it till she reached her favorite spot with the scenery that showed the river, the place on the other side of the river and a valley to her right. The place once a beautiful one has now lost its charm and beauty to the township. The river has shrunken and the fields once laden with rich harvest turned barren and she acknowledge with sadness at her own loss…loss of her childhood to all the unpleasant memories.
The road stands witness to all that happened seventeen years ago…she have walked this road with tears, sadness but not without hopes. This very road to her meant a road to happiness. The road took her between the houses, by the river, among the paddy fields, over the bridge, near the shop and at last to her parents. Literally the road also meant clean clothes to wear, plenty of foods to eat and good sleep but as much as the road meant happiness, she wasn't allowed to travel as she wished…so she had come to this spot often and sat there craning her neck as far as the road went.
Seventeen years ago she stood out among the others not for good reason though. It has more to do with her way of life then. Her great aunt didn't value the promise made to her parents when they entrusted the little girl in the beginning of the year. She was denied proper food, her food were measured and a mere white liquid served as tea even when the rations were provided without fail. Study time got consumed in daily household chores…and in school she attracted attention not for her brightness but her condition. Her badly torn shoes and a dress sweeping the ground in attempt to hide the shoes, her book having consumed all the pages including the margins were a total mess. She was mocked and laughed at by her friends. Not to forget the all the school and class events that were missed because her aunt won't lend her the small amount required. The aunt not only failed herself miserably but also the little girl who had so many hopes and dreams.
Seventeen years ago she couldn't even look at herself, there was so much to fight for and so much to bear. She had hidden in shame, cried in hunger, tolerated humiliation and mockery and she realized, that made all the difference…of how she looks at life and who she is today…
Seventeen years after, the day is no different, the same sun, the same road but things have taken a different turn…she is no more that helpless little girl and her aunt doesn't hold the reins anymore. She now has the freedom of choice, for her life, her dreams and hopes.
The curtains were closed, Air conditioner turn to an extend that I started to wear sweaters now (lol.surely a crazy sight to them) and the rooms brighten up with lots of un-necessary tube lights but what they don't understand is that nothing can match the natural light and needless to say the way how it makes us feel…the air outside might be hot but at least it is not so dry and dusty…it's like being imprisoned inside a room and I don't understand how they can be so comfortable in such an environment. I have often wonder why they don't look beyond those closed room if not for Mr. Time, we won't be knowing whether its morning, afternoon or evening.
All days are the same for me, be it sunny, rainy and cloudy for all are hidden/blocked behind those thick blue curtains…and here I am inside like a gold fish entrapped inside a small glass bowl when there is a whole lot of water bodies waiting to be swam and explored if not for humans. And as fate could have it…I find myself no different from the fish…I wish they could understand the fact that the room closed by thick curtains, filled up by machines and lighting is a far cry from the bright sunny day, from the heavenly and musical sound of the rain, from catching a glimpse of the day gradually being engulfed by the darkness and from the feel of the soothing breeze…
Thankfully Friday is declared as an No Air Con.day which is indeed a blessing for me…and there is no doubt that this has become my favorite day…as Friday approach I would walk in the office earlier than usual and pull apart all the curtains and open every single window to welcome the day…the light would stream in instantly brightening the room as I stand back with a smile and admire the change in the atmosphere with a beautiful scenery and I sigh in containment…this is how the world is and this is how it should be intact with the nature…but if only they could look beyond those closed room…
Soaring heat killed thousands
Heavy down pour flooded lands
Strong winds swept away homes
So much of destruction
Misery, turmoil followed
Rich became poor
Healthy broken down to weaklings
Happiness tuned to sadness
Yet these are the elements
We can't live without
Yet these are the things
Many desires to see
Rise and set
And Feel it
In every nook & corner of our being
Yet these are only the ones
Beauty in its purest form
Yet these are also the ones
Many have written about
In the best of the best language
Expressed in the finest expression
Sung with great zeal
Admired and talked about
So I ask?
Is it the rays?
Warmth or is it power?
That makes the sun so special.
Is it the hope?
Coolness or the freshness?
Or could it be the sound they make?
That the wind and rain gained
So much of popularity?
Other than their apparent reason
Of serving what we call life on earth
Words must be spoken
For if you keep on waiting for a good day…
Well! Then you are wasting your time.
So I say…
This is your moment
Make it good or bad
The decision is yours
Make it a heaven or hell
You are the lord of your destiny.
So shall the day be
You never know…
A worst day today
Might turn out to be the best of your live
The beginning of the best of the best.
But of all remember!
No day or moment is an ordinary one
Mark it dear
Live each moment
For even an ordinary day… like you feel
Doesn't present itself everyday
There is so much we have done
And yet much more to be done
So my dear
No day is an ordinary day
Definitely not an ordinary day
It was starting to rain as my friend and I headed towards the taxi stand and as expected there was this very long line (that is a usual sight especially during the night and rainy days) with a sigh we joined the line…but the movement was so slow.…
Just then a man came to us asked if we want to take his private car and upon inquiry, he shocked us by the amount he was charging us…its more than triple the amount we pay for the taxi and his sickening guts made me bold enough to speak up what I felt then…and I didn't hesitate to say what he seriously needs to know himself…for he is literally robbing us but there is no shame nor guilt in him…which is of course a very disturbing thing…and as I watch him go from one person to another person, I felt totally disgusted with this act…this is what I called a 'Broad Daylight Robbery'…. and there isn't anyone to stop it?.How can people here tolerate this? Why are these men so shameless and bold? How can people let themselves to be robbed with those with private cars? So many questions kept bothering me….but no answer satisfied me…and I don't think I will ever understand these people.
And there is this incident which still makes me fume with anger…we had to go to another city on that particular day for some work when another great crook in an attempt to empty our pockets took us round and round the city for two whole hours, of course none of us had a slightest idea or doubt and we realized that we have been cheated only when we made back to our place within 30 minutes…
There is nothing as humanity here…It is a sad thing to say this but I must say that the city is highly developed, people have been educated and everywhere I look there isn't a place or things that the hands of modernization has not touched or reached but their mindset remained as greedy and as shameless as any men kind could ever be in its worst form… to them they act as if we own a money tree and no matter…who you are or how they look and sounded…they can trick, shout, demand because money is the only thing it mattered to them and they don't care a thing other than that.
YourWALL ART on canvas
An accident or a coincident.
Its destined to happen,
Already laid down,
Since the time God knows.
As some invisible force
I have come to believe
whatever the situation
or whoever we are
Regardless of everything
Have found one another
For this is how
We are supposed to be…
Together, hand in hand
to see through this world
With one hope, one wish and one dream
To be together forever as one.
The city was as normal in one of its craziest race each in a hurry to reach their destination…and me, as I sat inclined towards the window at the back seat of the bus, I was long lost in my own thought and to someone, I am sure I displayed a perfect portrait of what might seems like… a fully enchanted kid with all the views and the life of the busy city but I was far way to a far away land, away from all this hassles, to a place where I belong, a place where I should be at the moment….among the mountains, the fresh air and the people and the place…after all I am a mountain girl…just like my friends puts me.
The place is no doubt the hundred times bigger but not a place bigger for this poor heart of mine to wander freely, cry as I may for myself, for my home country but a pity that there is still some more months to go before I am free…. There is no doubt that I missed the chilly air that cuts right through the bones, the sound of the autumn insects, the swollen rivers, the pine trees along the hills and the winding roads that took me home… But here I am like a prisoner in a foreign land….a prisoner by choice.
I have missed the greenery, the wetness and abundance of the summer, and at the moment, I am missing the coolness and the yellowish feel of the autumn and I have yet to miss the barren chilly feel of the winter and if there is snow than that is included too while this place keeps on driving me crazy. The city always looks like as if it has just emerged from one of a fierce fire with a smoke like thing lingering all over the place, and the sight of those thick, dark stubborn clouds added on to my miseries. Even breathing need an effort for the air here is thick, heavy and with some kind of taste. Vegetable here isn't vegetable, milk not milk and people are not how they appear.
Sleep has abandoned me long time back and most of the time, I lay back staring on the ceiling, sharing the room with those creepy lizards, the long queue of ants and moths which keeps on appearing from nowhere and if that is not enough than there is this irritating sound of the vehicle honking and speeding crazily at an odd hour not to mention the soaring heat and the rain which sounds and felt as if they can wash over the whole place in a minute.
C-L-A-P! Startled at the sound I looked away from the book I was reading….and I watched in horror when I saw what my room mate had just done. I stared in disbelief and to my questioning look she shrugged casually and said “You know I hate any living things except the humans“…now what do I say to that…..??? There is neither repentance nor a good reason to justify her action…or is it that I don't see it the way she does but to me it still doesn't make sense.
“Disgusting butterfly” (that is what she calls the moth) she kept on murmuring as she peeled out the dead moth and threw the slippers on the floor. I just couldn't figure out why and how they get to be called that…I mean, what is so disgusting about them?
A moment that followed after that is a heated argument about the issues but as stubborn as she could be I either failed to convince her or she simply refused to see my point but the bottom line is she still hates them and goes after them whenever the moth presents her the opportunity but I am not yet a loser you know…for I found my own way to free them.
At times when she is in her best mood she at least informs me and asks me to get rid of the moth or whatever insects there is but mostly it's a race between us…running crazily around the room, one trying to kill and the other trying to free. I just don't see why she does that and I don't see any reason why we can't learn to live together after all they have the right to live as much as we do.
They are part of us, this earth and the very existence and just because we are born in a more advantageous form doesn't mean we can act indifferent to them nor is our form a certificate or a license to cause harm or make their life miserable. It clear that are inferior, helpless so why not make it easier for them and why all this harsh treatment? What crime have they committed that they get the most brutal death we can imagine? Why? Just because they are born this way? Don't you think their form itself is a punishment?
Don't deprive me of my life
and make it so numb that,
I may forget to live again.
Let me at least breath…
even when I know there is no hope in me,
no trust that I can depend on you…
when I know you can walk out anytime.
Don't deprive me of my existence
I have no where to go, no one to turn to,
I am completely alone…
and I am as lost as forever.
I realize expectation is a far away dream,
I just can't reach out to…
esp. when I know you can walk out anytime.
Don't deprive me of my feelings
let me feel what I have always felt for you.
let me at least smile in our memory,
though believing you is becoming hard now…
when I know you can walk out anytime
Don't let me cry
For, it's not just the tears
But the deep unexpressed feeling
That is flowing out.
Don't let me cry
For every drop of tear has a story to tell of:
A pain that could pierce right through your heart
And a sadness that will shatter and make you numb.
Don't let me cry
For you'll drown in the
Tears of ocean.
So don't just let me cry.
They rushed by almost knocking me down….and the way they ran…it's as if something terrible had happened. Now what's with them…I thought??? I mean am yet to recover from last night's activities,…instead of retiring for the evening with an early dinner and listening to the radio like we normally do…they said they need to shed their anger to our down stair neighbor for saying something nasty during the afternoon.
In the name of dancing they were jumping to such an extent that the house almost shook and the amount of pressure/force they exerted while dancing wasn't really a pleasant thing to hear or have especially after a long tiring day…anyway they carried on with their so called dancing which was followed by an odd hours of cooking (In a pressure cooker) and eating. Phew!!! No wonder you have to keep your heart in your mouth and at times laugh hard till you cry for they are not so predictable…anything is possible…any time, anywhere with them.
So here I was still staring after them confused not knowing what to make of their weird behavior…. A quick look around the room didn't help me either…everything looked normal… so what was all the commotion about? I rush outside after them only to see them standing by the road with an “award winning smile” and waving to the people traveling in the bus. As I neared them I asked if they are expecting someone to which they simply shook their head. And later when they did explain…I didn't know what to say…it was simple yet so emotive. In a remote place, they took that small moment to fill up their hearts with the presence of those people. They said the sight of the people warms their hearts and for few seconds they feels the presence of so many people at once and that made them feel rich and lively.
Later in the evening I found myself still thinking about them, I suppose their simple yet different way of looking at life triggered something in me. I mean there is so much in them and the way they looked at things and life…maybe their act might seem silly or it might not mean anything to you and I, but if we look from their perspective then there is more to it than we can imagine. It's like living every single moment of your lives and seeking happiness even in a small thing in a smaller way.
“I will cut this oak tree one day” he would say every time they neared me on the way to drop his beloved home…and this would offend me a lot but a frown on her face told me that she disagreed with him….at least she loved me, he,he,he. Maybe she didn't realize or gave a serious thought on what he said then. I suppose it didn't really bother her as long as she had him by her side. Unfortunately she chose me as a boundary…he wasn't allowed to cross and I could feel the sadness descending upon them as soon as they saw me. Do I deserve that? Was that my fault? Don't they know that they have so many memories underneath me? That I bear their entire secret, their promises and dreams? And of all I stand witness to their feelings. My very presence reminds them that no matter what… they exist for one another.
Today she was alone and the way she walked told me that he has gone some place far from her. There's so much of heaviness in every step she took and I know she felt a sting of hot tears…and for once in my life…I felt extremely guilty for being right on the way for I know that the very sigh of me reminded her of him. The look on her face showed that she looked at me differently perhaps I looked different without her beloved. My heart went out to her and I yearned to reach out to her and console her but that would just scare her away.
Does my presence make her sick or does she have the same strong urge to have me down just like her lover. I expected a curse from her as she neared me but all she did was…sat down under my shade…pulled up her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms tightly around them at the same time leaning against me. The look on her face showed that the world outside holds no interest to her anymore …it's as if it had ceased to exist. She was far away to a land unknown to me and her little head at the moment…am sure had thousands of memories.
She couldn't ignore his words which kept on playing inside her mind and the sudden realization took her off guard. She didn't know some kind of feeling was hidden within, unknown to herself or did she deny herself to such an extent that she began to believe that she didn't feel it or have it at all?
All these years she had been trying to hide herself from anything to do with the world but her own and people found it hard to put with her. The wall round her had been carefully built, the composed and hard appearance well maintained and practiced. But I suppose there are those who would never give up on her whether she gave a cold hard look or a dead expression. To him her harsh words and her attitude didn't make any difference. He just hovered around her trying to get to her, make her talk and see the world with him….but for her the very thought of living without the wall she had built around and to come out of the shell naked isn't something she looked forward to.
It was just a simple request from him but this very idea scared her. She's scared that she might like him, scared that she might like to meet him again and worst…scared that she might disappoint him…in short she's scared of everything that had happened in the past and she knows she doesn't want to replay everything. It's almost as if the whole world is watching her and the very prospect terrified her.….for her she now have two roads ahead, the road she had been traveling, which is so predictable and on the other side the road he had shown her…but a road she isn't so sure of….though she finds it very tempting at times. All these just made her more confused and lost and debating with herself just made it worst.
Promises were made
Dreams shared and dreamt
But now nothing counts.
As I stand alone.
All that have been
Was in vain
Disappointment, Sadness and Anger
Burning in my heart
Should have known
To expect the least out of this
Now here I am lost in…
No man's world
If only hearts could be…
Love countable and measurable
Then imagine a perfect life
The vastness, the never ceasing movement and the greenish colour petrified me but at the same time I cannot deny the presence of its charm…to me it's almost confusing and a mixed feelings/emotions embraced me. I wanted to step/proceed forward touch and feel it but I stood there grounded unable to move…and when I did, I turned around and headed back home but only to return again after a couple of hours later. I suppose I just couldn't bring myself to reach out and become part of it. I could say that I was unprepared to face it but I couldn't resist the temptation to see it again.
By late afternoon…I was back once more. As I walked towards it I took off my slippers and greeted the people around with a smile. After walking quite a distance from my place…I stepped on a small rock like thing…..stood there for a very long time and slowly stepped in and took a long breath before I stretched out my arms freely and closed my eyes. Every movement of the wind made my hair messier and the cloths seem to cling onto me. Beneath me I could feel the movement against my legs and the coolness on my face…almost tasting the salty air around. I tried to take in everything, tried to concentrate but somehow managed to lose myself along the way. The past was nowhere but only this moment, this very moment. I tried not to think, reason or contemplate but free myself from everything, its one state of mind…so pure, so heavenly without any distraction. It's just me and the sea.
I must have stayed there long…for the sun had already set by the time I opened my eyes and the waves were getting wilder with the evening wind. I stood there for few more minutes before heading back home…..this time completely contented.
I am afraid to open my eyes and wake up from the sweet dream you have created and shown to me…to the world where you no more exist for me. This world is too harsh to face and I am scared of loneliness and the gawking silence all by myself.
I am afraid to go home to the house devoid of it warmth it once had…to a house, now too cold, empty and hunted by your memories. For every corners and the pillars of the house tells a story of us, as one, our togetherness and our beautiful moments. Now I am not so sure what I would go home for.
I am afraid to look around/look back in fear that I might not find you by my side for you had always been by my side while I followed you like your shadow all these years. And many a time I play blind for it hurts to see you go around with another person and I try to console myself that it's just another person who look a lot like you.
I am afraid to listen for I don't want to hear people talk about us and make a fuss of everything. I play deaf to all your harsh, painful words for I always want to remember the heavenly words you had once said and I still believe in it.
Amidst these…I know somewhere you still exist though not for me but what did it matter now? It's all over for us. I know I shouldn't wait for you to come back and I am afraid that I would like to wait even after knowing the truth.
The first bird sings as a new day unfurls on the eastern horizon…and the sound of the prayer wheel from the lhakhang confirmed the arrival of the day. The sky was clear without a single cloud and the wind seems to find peace with itself at least for now. Below me the paddy field lay dry except for some turnips and further down the field…a river meandering as it made its journey to the south. The road on the other side which never seems to run out of the motors for once lay surprisingly without any life.
As the first rays of sun warmed the place, I took out my journal book as I headed up to my favorite place with a flask of hot tea…the way up is of course not without effort but once there, I know I'll be blessed twice my effort. Along the path I stopped to acknowledge the presence of the prayer flags erected with the touch of my hands against them and spending few moments standing by the hill. On the other side of the hill, the place still remained in the shadow with a gloomy and sleepy feel.
Once there, I sat by an oak tree overlooking the whole valley. I cannot deny the fact that there is something magical about the place…leaning happily on the oak tree to witness the day unfolding before me had always been one of my favorite time pass and today, the hillside is carpeted with the fallen oak leaves with their brownish/yellowish colour giving the place a golden feel and the very sight warmed my heart.
A special place and indeed a place closer to my heart. Everywhere around looked different and I liked what I saw. What struck me was the peacefulness all around, maybe it was what we call the right time, the right place and the right mindset at how we look at things. The whole scene is so exquisite that I never seem to get enough of gazing and grasping the whole scenery…it's as if I am seeing the place for the first time though I had been there countless time.
The place gave me a special feel and I am helplessly attached to it. Here, there is nobody to judge me or need not have to pass under their gaze, nor do I have to be careful of what I do or say… (Which is usually said or done before I have the time to think or contemplate.) Here I am who I really am.
He slammed the door on her face and she stood there speechless, unable to digest everything. She just couldn't think of anything she had done to offend him or to deserve this from him. And the look…what was that…irritated, cold, hard or bored? It was as if a deadly disease had struck him.
She was aware that he had been ignoring her lately, disapproved and mocked at everything she did…the work he appreciated then was a shit to him now and he resent her company he once loved.
It was hard to believe that this is the same man she had always known and loved……it wasn't just the way he appeared or sounded different or the way he talked and behaved but the way he started to treat her. All these for someone he had just met??? Incredible.
She may be one among many ordinary people but a person who shared every aspect of his life as her own and stood by him in all seasons of his life. And now all of a sudden she was a problem and a burden to bear and he gave a clear indication for her to leave. After all what's the use of the star when there's a moon for him.
With all the happenings, She didn't trust herself to have the strength to go through all the torments…rather she opted not to spoil what she had by desiring what she isn't blessed with. She found it better to leave with good memories before it turned sour.
Today she may act or seem indifferent to everything but the look he gave on that particular day still hunted her. On the other side…she couldn't help drifting back to the memories/time she had with him…a time when she use to wait eagerly every morning to catch a glimpse of him, a time when she sat by him and hear him talk, And of all when she loved to believe that he loved her.
If only she knew then that she's being trapped in the net of his false promise then she wouldn't end up giving her heart to him or will she???
I curse myself as I bend down to clean up the pieces of broken glasses (my Kerosene lamp glass) and the only piece I had which means I'll have to get myself one before the sign of the night appears and a glance at the wall clock showed that I had time just to get myself to the shop and back home.
I hastily slipped into a quarter pant, a light sweater and flung a bag over my shoulder, a cloth comfortable to walk three kilometers to and fro. As I stepped out from the room in the late afternoon sun, the brightness outside almost blinded me and it took sometime before I could adjust to the brightness.
Once on the road, a gust of cold autumn wind greeted me ruffling my hair and I hugged myself as I walked along humming an old but popular country song. Within few minutes I found myself absorbed in watching the orchid blooming from nowhere, a mini waterfall, the unique shapes of the rocks, the songs of the birds and the greenery around.
In a remote place isolated by the hills, mountains and the forest all I have is a life…I try to live with every single moment with what I have. The flower, river, the wind, the dancing trees were the only company I had and the only one comfortable to be with. The peacefulness and the silence of the place gave me time to think and contemplate.
I may be a lover of solitude but today night seems to be in a hurry to claim its share and for once in my life, the quietness of the surrounding gave me a creepy feeling. It was only when I caught a glimpse of the first house that I heave a sigh of relieved. And few minutes later, I came out of the shop with half a dozen of lamp glass and I couldn't help smiling as I headed back home.