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As I walk…

08 Oct 2013 Author loo2

“Life is the thread of experiences that we bind as we sit through the looms of diverse routines. Day-to-day struggles and triumphs are the twist of life experienced by all of the world’s creatures, whether or not they like. As human beings, able and sensible, we are licensed to choose and react to these challenges. Every decision that we make give way to a different nets of road. As expected, we will never come to exactly the same crossroads. Every decision that we take is weighed down with significance. Even the tiniest choice we make would make a world of difference, as more resolute the better”.

Some broken hearts never wake, where some silent minds never cheer. For last two and half decades, it has been very hard for me to choose any life-affirming path because every path kept preying on my mind. I tried my hardest to swallow a bitterness of my life and tried to fight back my tears to force to a smile.  And I had been walking forward looking back since from a day I knew, how to save the memories but still the pain nailed deep in my heart refuse to ease off. I had been always hoping, keeping my finger crossed that one day there will be a footing for the better or normal life. But the past is so excruciating that I could not put on a brave face rather had the life to go on. Fears drain away whenever I thought of taking new turn for better life. It’s going to be another nail in my coffin as it keeps pricking my mind. For how long I have to go on through this thick and thin with the mere destination, will I reach there? As my hopes, determinations and willingness are retiring to grow fainter.

As any young man or child did for the urge to succeed in life, I jog my fading memory and thinking about the future is strange, it dragoons me into thinking hard about the give of life at this moment. Yet I am young and I have a dream. But I remained silent; my dream is not cocooned from dreaming, it’s in my earshot and at heart. Fear gripped me, making any dream and hope retreat into its shell, and knots in the throat like cannon ball in the pit of my tummy, ready to propel and leaving no trace of life that was once burning looked forward to. My strength to brave life or utopian future seems to seep away with each breath I draw in.

Life isn’t as simple as I thought and as beautiful as I wished rather it is very hard for the common person like me. I know that some are even worse than me, sorry for them but I know the pain as I have walked through the path they walked and for those who have better life, may they always live happily ever after. The every breath I take and every heartbeat I feel is swallowed up by the fears which are said to be the supply of sorrows, thinking that my day of the life may collapse. How hard I try to pave the ways for the better life, they are only meant to go to the wall at the end of the day.

Each day I live, pain consumes me and rubs salt into the wound, and, to crown it all, makes me fall down and sink into the depression. I try to prove my stand; still I am drowned in the ocean of deep sorrow as I see the life is just a receptacle of everything – seeds of our own makings. I walk, but there is no path. I live, but I am not among the living. As I sail through the vast unseen life with holes in the bottom of my heart, I am struck. My life is making a failing exhibition of myself before others very eyes; I cry out in pained petition, but to no avail- no one waits for me. I try to pin my hopes on erasing pain, but the effort looks to fall, train of heavy thoughts race through my mind and eat me away every moment. I see death is only the way though it’s not the way to sort out since no one could ever understand why I want it sooner than someone planned, the thing is I only want to end it today, actually it’s not something I want for me but to be a better man from tomorrow.

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