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At last it is time

18 Apr 2012 Author kuenza

It was 15 years back that we first met, fell madly in love at first sight and let the world swing around us with the frenzy that we experienced. The world in fact seemed to have turned upside down with us falling in love, for it seemed like, by being in love, we had sinned. It was almost as if the world and our fate were at war. As much as our fate wanted us to be together, we had an unseen enemy that wanted us apart. And that unseen enemy won in not keeping us together – but only physically. We couldn't consume our love in marriage. But that did not end our love.

I have been married for a long time now. I have found my skin falling victim to age. But my heart hasn't grown any older in the way it has felt about this first love. But I must admit, I married only because I found love again in a man who could love me in exactly the same intensity and madness that my first love did. I must admit too that I was surprised we could love more than one person with exactly the same intensity. If it was just his love, I would not have married. Surprisingly, as if there was a purpose for letting my first love slip away, for letting that unseen enemy win, I loved him too. But again, even this love did not kill the love I felt for the first person who made me swim in emotional ecstasy and learn what it means to love someone; in fact, the second love happened as if it was a continuation of the first; as if three of us were meant to spin around in the same thread of love. And somehow, I found that very human. I found it even touching. I thought being able to love two men at the same time without an iota of difference was in some way transcendental.

But now, it is time for me to really let go of my first love. Till now, in this same thread of love, only three of us swung. Now, he has found love too. It is surprising it took him this long. But I am glad he did find it. As he calls it, he has met his dream princess and proudly, happily, I watch him claim her. Just as I was surprised by the capability of our heart to love more than one person at the same time, I am surprised now to realize that there could be no jealousy and no anger in letting go of that person when it is time. It is as if I have waited for this moment to come. It is as if I knew he would find his love too, without forever having to cling on my image. Though we were separated by the barrier of me being married, we always felt like we were connected in some ways. We were best friends.

More than anything else, I am happy that we have all found love to complete a circle. It means that he will now have a partner; he will get married and lead the same life I have been leading, while our feelings will not die. It means that while we will be best of friends, it will not remind us of the marriage that could not happen. It means that love that we have all found will give us harmony.

 Yes, I am glad that a time has come to finally say goodbye.

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