There are times when women console themselves saying that despite all the pain, love was real and it could have been just a mistake. Women often cry feeling dejected and angry at their own stupidity that they threw themselves away to embrace what seemed so promising and pleasant. There are times when they wonder if love is all about pain and nothing about joy. But again, eventually, they find enough strength to forgive and live again, look back and cherish.
If what happened 10 years ago was not real, she would be a young, talented woman in the executive level – an envy of other women her age. She was determined to be that, except for one single mistake she committed that day. Dezang was everything she wanted to avoid and yet, the attraction she felt was so strong that when he approached her that evening at an official dinner party to go for a dance party, she agreed. Some men can exude such charm. Just too much male sexuality that could force you to close your eyes and ignore all sane reasons to say no. Worse situations come like it did for Yanki when such men do realize this charm they have and intend to use it for the wrong reasons. It is as if they have mastered the art of conversation to woo a woman. They know exactly what to say and when you have agreed too many times to what they have said, you have already leaned half of your body towards them. Like we say that looks is a bonus, I think that charm is a bonus for them.
After a cautious no-no for a week, Yanki shed all her resistance and let Dezang take her to where he could, and for about half a year they danced in delirious, unrealistic world of ecstasy and love. It is so bad that when we are in a delirious busy-spinning-love situation, it just doesn't occur to us that we should ask if it is real and if it is going to last. Most often, they don't last. It didn't last for Yanki.
One evening she returned late from office, tired and hungry. Before she had heated the food from morning, Dezang came over. Realizing that she was not in the best mood, he wanted to try different ways to make her feel better. And suddenly a twist in the conversation took them to sharing their past. He didn't just speak sweetly; he wrote fabulous love letters. Yanki had always felt she could fall in love with a man with good words, even without seeing his face or knowing him real and this was in some ways true when she fell for Dezang. And somehow he told her about a book he wrote about one of his ex girlfriends. And wouldn't you wonder why he carried that book over to her place that evening?
As he randomly read a page from the book, he didn't realize that she was quietly crying. They were sitting on the sofa – she lying on his lap, he stroking her hair. Only when he read something similar to what he always told her did he realize that he spilled something terrible. He then tried to hide it by saying:
“Oh, I guess when you write, you have to say something like this…even if you don't mean it.”
This hurt her more now. She did not blow up this silent evening. She just went quiet.
Just a week before she had gone to the hospital and found out that she was pregnant. Now, she realized that she was doomed to live seeing the face of the person she couldn't trust for the rest of her life. She would be reminded of him every time she saw her baby's face. And true, it did. For reasons she could not explain, she was jealous. It made her feel that she was just one of so many and it was enough reason for her to decide that the relationship was wrong. And so, she ended it there.
Epilogue: He probably really just flirted with other women but loved her truly. He probably just wanted to marry her and forget all his old habit. Maybe she was harsh when she decided that she couldn't marry because she decided that he repeated the same sweet sentences to every girl she met. Today, she lives with her 10 year old girl, unmarried. She often finds herself thinking of him and cherishing all those moments that she lived long ago. Despite all the pain, she admits that it was one of the best moments of her life and if not for him, she probably never would have felt any of those emotions.
Author's note: We can't see the feelings with our eyes; not even if we cut open our hearts. The best we can do is trust and immerse in the feelings we are capable of. Love must be all that is and there isn't a need to see it more clearly than we feel it in our heart.