Articles by: Allie14
Life has made me die many deaths, now I am no longer scared of dying in life. An Angel once came in my life and taught me the art of living life in retrospection in order to fulfill the desires left unfulfilled owing to time's winged flight. In this backward journey, I came across many milestones of deaths I had died in my nearly thirty years of life. The first milestone marked the death of my self-esteem. I was born egoistic, well draped in the cozy environment of my parents home I felt no reasons whatsoever to feel small. But once fate lifted the warm hands of my parents from my cursed head, I found my self-esteem die.
I treaded on the face of the earth unsure of everything life offered to me. Walking further deeper in the journey of life, I met many other milestones marking the death of my innocence when love came gliding on the borrowed wings of betrayal; death of my happiness when sorrows struck with its iron fist; death of my wishes when true world knocked my senses; death of my dreams when I opened my eyes to face reality; death of my being in the whole process of living.
Not wanting further more deaths to kill me with their memories I jolted back to my present and saw a haggard looking person, who have learnt the art of giving only in life and has never taken anything from life. But anyway, I can now rest assured that at least I've lived a harmless life and I know when I knock on God's door, he'll take me in for the life I've lived without any explanation asked.
With a kind smile and a friendly talk Time played its magic
You called me your acquaintaince;
I gave you all my ears
And a small chunk of my my time.
I then became your friend;
I gave you my shoulder
And most of my wakeful hours.
With a kind smile and a friendly talk
Time played its magic
Emotions staged a drama
And you fell in love with me;
So I gave you my heart and all of my wakeful hours
Alongwith my dream world.
Fate sealed us with its solemn seal
Taking us to the path of nuptial journey
I gave you my whole being;
Consumed in the eternal flame
Of sacred togetherness, I walked
Giving you a chunk of me each moment.
I am in the batlle field, combating with the emotions I've tarried with for so long. If you view by the amount of time I've been in this struggle, by now I would qualify for the highest rank in the Armed force. But it's not the position I m concerned about but the course of my being that is undergoing changes that is a worrisome effort. I look back in time witnessing the first ever battle of emotions and I see myself crying, shedding galloons of tears as if tears could help win the battle. But now, over the years I find my eyes, the source of many seas has become an arid desert. I don't find any tears running down my cheeks, instead I find my heart solidfying with each accusation flung onto me. My opponents are forgetting that I am no God, I am just a mere human being whose heart laughs in mirth, cries in pain and gets wounded if attacked. I remember Shylock from the Merchant of Venice, who says that famous lines against social prejudice, “will I not bleed, if you cut me…” My stress is blocking my memory of that beautiful lines but I feel the essence of those lines vibrating in my mind and I want to cry desperately but no tears aid me in my quest. But I know from the hardened remains of my heart, if I wring it enough I know there will be a glint of hope wanting the battle to be over, and I don't care about who wins or loses but I surely do want us both to win the battle together and once again see the dawn of a relation we tried to embark on with all the hassles. I know I am viewed as the assailaint here but don't you see I am just trying to make you see the light of the things in a different scene so that we don't land up wounding eachother. Lets stop this battle before both of us turn mortally wounded and lose all hopes of truce.
She was one year younger than me but if I come to the specific details that we ladies are capable of when it comes to our ages, she is just six months four days younger than me but our sizes make us look like two people from either ends of ages. I look like her mother, let me correct that maybe I look like her elder sister and she looks like a skinny little goat, but definitely a beautiful skinny goat. She was a daughter of an academician while I hailed from a humble farming field. But somehow the way we looked at the world made us two people with one thought. Two of us would roll in laughter while our other friends would give us a dumb look. We found it so easy to think alike, it was no effort; we were just like twins from different parents who could never get enough of each other's company. There was a time when my uncle who is quite candid with his opinions told us that we might be homosexuals and right after that he made it sound light by saying he was scared that we might choose a single man for our husband just to be together. But that was ages ago; her mighty brain took her to the highest pinnacle of success while I wallowed low in my muddy fields. We never saw each other after that but in our hearts we were still friends. Whenever I drew my friends list, I always included her and I know she would also have done the same. Sometimes I feel our hearts did the secret talking with each other to keep us connected with each other. After fourteen years, she visited my village yesterday. She left my mouth opened wide to find her already beautiful girlie look had metamorphosed into a beautiful lady look. And I always thought of her with that air of pride whenever she walked in our classrooms corridor, but that air had freshened up with an added flair of style. I felt my heart swelling up with pride of having such a wonderful lady for a friend. She didn't mind eating the simple dinner I had prepared with all my love in my dimly lit kitchen which was filled with smoke from the fireplace. Our usual self returned with ease and we beat the night talking about things that touched our lives since the time we departed. It was as if we were trying to live those fourteen years in one night, for she had to return the next day for urgent work. We giggled at the silly girlie talks that we used to share in the good old days, we laughed at the absurdity of life, it still amazes me that though we lived in two different world life had blessed us with the same sequence of plots. We cried for the times bitter tears strung our tears and we didn't have each other's hands to wipe it; we consoled each other for things that were not kind to us; we thanked life for being kind in the different fashion only our two hearts would understand. With the peeping rays of the sun's first rays touched our forehead, we said tearful farewell to each other yet knowing in our hearts that the chasm of distance will never breed unfamiliarity in us. Every time life treats us in a fashion known to our hearts we'll think of each other and know that the same is happening in the other side of the world too.
Hey dad, look at me! I'm a big girl now
I don't cry no more
No more shall I cry dad,
No more tears for candies and dolls
No bugging you for bed-time stories
No crying for fear of monsters under the bed.
Hey dad, I'm a big girl now
I can draw my circles full round
My colors do not smudge at the edges
My Barbie dolls stare at me with a new look
My princess frock is stashed away
My toys lie abandoned.
Hey dad, I'm a big girl now
I feel butterflies in my tummy
My face goes red, when in crowd
I seldom open my mouth now
And need a friend accompanying me.
Hey dad, did I hear you complaining
Of increased telephone bills,
Of giggles and laughter,
Of seeing less of me at home?
Can't you see dad, I'm your little princess
And today I'm a big girl!
No religion in the world can ever come up with valid preaching on how love occurs, but I know every religion teaches us that love is the most beautiful feeling that invades one's heart without any warning signal and if this feeling helps us in dispelling our fears and sorrows of life, isn't this feeling truly heavenly then? Does love have to be measured in terms of commitment and how tightly wound is the nuptial ties; can't love simply appear as love in one's heart not to possess that heart but to keep that heart in the heaven that the heart truly deserves?
I've been one person whose entire universe has been wrapped around my little heart and I've always assigned all tasks of life to my heart. This journey has been like walking blindfolded in the darkness of the world, carrying my world in a fragile bottle. Sometimes the darkness around me would inflict fear in my heart and at times the fear of accidently breaking that fragile bottle of life gripped me tightly. But whatever I've always believed in spilling the contents of that bottle in all the places I took to rest with the hopes of making my presence felt in that spot earning a lasting imprint in that particular spot. Never has it been my wish to invade the places I wandered into but I do wish to make all those I encounter to think of me as a soul who truly gave love for the sake of love alone and nothing else.
I became your bonded slave since the time your heavy arms took me in its clutches and I've been at your whims since then. Many moons ahve heard me cry, many suns heard me sigh, many oceans my salty tears have joined, yet! You hold me all your might. My first cry was a battlecry I've had to cry since then. But your truimphant roar rings loudly submerging my feeble sobs and drenching me in its salty attire.
How many galloons of tears must I shed? How many sleepless nights must I lay awake in? How many hopeful suns should I view with my sinking heart? How long are you going to overpower me? GRIEF, SORROWS, SADNESS whatever your name is please leave me alone, please.
I never view my life in a friendly view rather I always look at it scornfully as if doing that would help me bring him back in my life. But with age wisdom seems to be seeping inside me and slowly now I find myself loooking at the positive side of that relation which could never see the dawn of success. However, I know the times spent with him were the best and no matter what it shall always remain beautiful. He gave me life when I needed it the most and for that reason I call him my guardian angel. It doesn't matter that he isn't with me, nor does it make any difference that he'll never come in my life like I want him to but I know secretly, in my heart he will always have a place like no one can ever think of.
When I try to reason out the kind of life that has been in store for us I just can't help feeling like slapping the hand that wrote our fate but after sitting on that for so long I've realized that slap is not necessary, the feelings we felt is beautiful because we are this way otherwise it would have been like any other relationship- sweet in the beginning but getting sour with every passing moment. But since we couldn't be together, we have the memories of the beautiful moments and we shall live and relive those beautiful moments in all times to come.
You brought the beautiful moon in my life and now so long as the moon takes her walk in the sky, I know I'll always look at it and feel the love you made me feel. Whenever I am in the kitchen and I cook fried and Indian dishes, I'll remember how much you talked about these dishes and I'll feel your presence beside me savoring those dishes. Whenever motion sickness make me miserable and before I curse the zig-zag roads, I'll remember your poetry about these bends in the road and I know I'll stop feeling sick. For thousand times I'll walk the path you walked on and each time I walk on the invisible footprints that you left behind, I'll feel that we've touched eachother.
So, how is it that you left me? You are there in every place I want to see, I feel you and I've the memories of our blessed togetherness and these things will last till eternity.
How does the course of true love run? How does one know that when one falls in love it is indeed the love of one's life?
I have asked few of my friends about their definition of true love; some said its like the breathe of fresh air while walking in the streets of Jaigoan; another said its like resurfacing from the water when one is almost drowning in the deepest river. Yet another friend of mine compared true love to the first rainfall of the season that wets the parched up land.
Well, I have walked the streets of Jaigoan for umpteen times and as soon as reaching back home I've smelt the thin mountain air of our own country; I have taken walks in the first showers but still I don't remember feeling the ecstasy that my friends described as true love. Now the only thing left for me to test myself is trying to drown myself in a river and then resurface, may be then I'll get to feel love in its blessed form.
People reading this article might be wondering why I am so much after true love. Well the reason is clear and simple, I fell in love only once and the love of my life ran away when he learnt the gift he had bestowed on me. So definitely what I had with him can't qualify for true love. So, holding my little daughter's hands and feeling her breath of soft breeze I can't help but wonder would things had been different had he chosen to stay back and see our daughter grow up calling me her mom and dad to him.
Whenever my daughter calls me ANA I can't help thinking and wishing true love had touched me too like many other blessed beings.
New Year has come like the fresh breeze promising new dawn of mending broken dreams and of righting the wrong deeds but for me every dawn is the same. The full moon of yesterday has grown slightly smaller in size but who would have noticed, people would have wildly swung their limbs to the fast tracks in the smoke and alcohol stench filled rooms, calling it the welcoming of the New Year. But for solitary lass like me who has shunned this world of merriment with the closing of that door on that cold morning no day is beautiful, no day worth hoping for any resolutions. So I spent my New Year eve staring at the full moon adorning the dark sky brightening it.
The moon moved majestically weaving its path in the dreamy stream of soft fluffy clouds, as if cushioning the path to protect the moon if it ever decides to lean on its sojourn. The comforting feeling of trust and protection the duo showed made me wonder about the life of married couples- the comforting feeling of a well secured life beckoned my heart once but it was a fake path I was never intended to walk on for I found myself stranded in the middle of the journey, leaving me lifeless and crippled for a lifetime.
So, dear people marriage is one journey I'll never dare to tread on but at the same time I can never help marveling at the wonders of this nuptial world, it will always remain a mystery shrouded in the dark clouds of the world I have been dumped in by the man I gave my heart and soul to.
So New Year, new dawn, new beginning is for others; for me world ended the day he slammed the door to his heart on my face and each day is the same bleak desolate world.
I grew up comforting myself that when I grow up everything will turn out good and my life will be like any other successful being I see around in my neighborhood but one mistake and my total life changed. It was my second year in college and I was way too grown up for my age I guess, but back in those days I used to call it love-true love. I gave myself totally to him knowing that he too was doing the same but one day, holding the test kit showing two red stripes, I ran to wake him with the good news. I knew he would be crazy with happiness. I saw him sleeping, his lips slightly parted as if asking me about the result; we had shared this same room for five months and dreamt a life of bountiful success with kids dangling all over us. But my enthusiasm was splashed to death by his cold glare in response to my news before breakfast. He picked up his jeans and left me wondering did I commit any mistake. As I saw him entering the bathroom and when the room closed after him, the shadow it cast on me was ominous of my days that were to follow. He started shunning me from his life and forced me to pack my belongings and return home to the sanctuary of my parents' home where I met more anger n stern looks.
Today, I sleep with my three year old daughter in my lap, with my old class photo in my hand reminding me of the days that I could have changed my fate but fate changed my life before I could do anything. Now I'm a mother of a daughter who calls me ANA; for my little angel my parents are her dad and mom and I am her elder sister. She kisses me and hugs me but I know it is not the same feelings that she gives to her ama, my mom actually.
I sleep with her, hoping that she would feel my heartbeat and know that it is the same that she listened to for nine whole months and I long for that moment to tell the world that I am her mom and not her sister.